When I Get My Hands On Her
Posted in Blog by: LottieAs the saying goes, absence makes the heart grow less violent. That’s not how it goes is it?
You see it’s like this:-
1989 - I awake in the middle of the night to a house full of neighbours. Screams ring throught the darkness. My Mother. Oh my god, something is killing her. It’s the banshee, I just know it is. Okay turns out not to be a banshee but the surpirse home birth of my youngest sister. I am desperate to know what is going on. I toss my curls about and give the neighbours my best “I’m a little teapot” tell me what’s happening smile. I am ignored.
And so it began.
1991 - A nine year old me is left in charge of the demon child while my mother and grandmother are out. Demon child uses her new found actionable limbs to climb up on to the kitchen table. Her squishy soft square head quickly makes contact with the floor and she knocks herself out. Long story short – Demon Child in hospital, Nine year old me in the shitter.
1993 – My grandmother finally forgives me for my babysitting malfunction in 1991.
1995 – I allow demon child to participate in my first screen play. She makes a terrible dead person because she keeps moving. This aggraveted me so much that I threw the whole script in the bin. This is possibly that terrible defining moment which dashed my chances of writting for ABC or NBC, CNN or some combination of the albabet.
1996 – She mixes up a batch of cleaning produts and attempts to pass it off as lemonade. Im only alive today becuase she is a really shitty liar.
1998 - I convice demon child that I am her mother. It haunts her to this day.
2000 – We swore that we would never fight again…
2009 - I realise that you can never take an 11 year old at their word.
When I get my hands on her!
February 12th, 2009 at 10:35 am
God I love families.
February 12th, 2009 at 11:01 am
I have one of them!
Thankfully only one!!!
February 12th, 2009 at 11:36 am
i am the youngest in my family i’m afraid, and my sisters have always tried to convince me i’m adopted! but we have accepted that we fight like dogs when we all spent any longer than 2 hours together!! especially my sister who is just older than me we rip into each other and call each other the most awful fowl names but at least we can laugh about it after. if anyone else other than my sisters said those things to me i would be hurt and would draw slaps!
February 12th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
I often wonder what it’d be like to have siblings…even demon ones..
February 12th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
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February 12th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
@Ciara – I love my family dearly – but that girl just knows how to push my buttons. I never fight with the other two. I can’t even recall fighting with them when we were young.
@GM – Sometimes I think only having one might be worse – when there’s a few (3 in my case) ther is less competition.
There is that manenr of speaking to your siblings in a way you would never speak to anyone else. This girl is a bit of a brat alright and my mum has grown tired of trying to reason with her so when we do spend anytime together I usually just end up giving out and telling her to grow up and before long we’re tearing chunks out of eachother. We love eachother really!
@T Cup – So you’re the spoilt one then?
@Claire – Ah – sing a little song for you. As annoying as it can be, they take your stuff, ruin your make-up and drive you mad – I think it must be very lonely growing up as an only child.
February 12th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Little sisters are the worst. I have four of them and as the oldest I get blamed for everything despite the fact that I only go home at the weekends. I have this theory that when they grow up we will all be best friends but until then I will just have to bite my tongue.
C(L)
February 12th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Ha! There was a Traveller lady who used to come to our door for canned food and old clothes, she pushed a big pram full of crap. One day my mother was getting some stuff for her and she was waiting in the porch. I told my sister she was her real mother and had come to take her back in the pram.
I told her my mom was going to put her pyjamas in a bag for her… the best part was when my mother came out of the bedroom with a plastic bag full of clothes, wondering why my sister was screaming in terror.
February 12th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
hehe absolutely brilliant, I love it! I gave four of these sister types although they’re all older – that comes with its own list of grievances though I might add.
February 12th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
“1998 – I convice demon child that I am her mother. It haunts her to this day.”
Mwahahahahah.
February 12th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Ha, Conor I too have four older sisters. Many trips to the shop to buy them sweets in exchange for 5p. I also have an older brother called Conor! Not you though.
February 12th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
I have to reluctantly confess to some sympathy with the younger sibling. My sister is eleven years older than I, and you have no idea what it is like to be an adolescent when your sisters married friends are intimately familiar with your private parts and their development!
Even worse if I run into them now when they are all sixty-something and you just know what they would be thinking. Yuk
February 13th, 2009 at 12:00 am
Brilliant! Oh the stories I could tell you about my younger sister.
But you’ve seen the video. You know
February 13th, 2009 at 10:13 am
@Ciara (L) – I think that’s the brudon of the oldest. I think I had a similar idea when we were younger but I moved out too early to see if we would actually get on as adults.
@SP – Tee hee!
@ Conortje – Im sure it does
hehe absolutely brilliant, I love it! I gave four of these sister types although they’re all older – that comes with its own list of grievances though I might add.
@ Annie – She’s still a little concerned about that one.
@ Holemaster – So it can’t be that bad if you were making money.
@Blazing – I’m not so muh older than her that I can get away with that. There may be some naked in the bath photos of her I could pull out at the enxt family function. And I’ll never be sixty! Yuck!
@Darragh – When is volume 2 coming online? She could be the next Crying Baby or Crish Crocker…
February 13th, 2009 at 11:17 am
wow, so many sisters. me none. like shopgirl *waves*
my mum was one of many tho. swears i’m better off
i doubt it tho. mad as they make you, from what i’ve seen in life you guys can rely on the siblings to come running when you need them most. and defend you in the blink of an eye…
February 13th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
hey i’m far from spoilt missy! although i usually blame my sisters for everything and my mom believes me!!
February 13th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
@MJ – It’s true as much as you might want to throttel them you still would do anything for them.
@T-Cup – See! Seeeeee! :0
February 13th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Yeah…it can be lonely…and stressful too, especially when you have to bear the brunt of certain parent’s moody mindgames all by yourself…
*curses parents for spawning only one of me*
February 14th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
I thought half way through reading that this was going to be a lovely post about your baby sister turning twenty or something. Then I remembered the title.
I too have 2 sisters who can drive me mental, one more than the other. But still, they live at home and I don’t so it’s all good
February 15th, 2009 at 2:11 am
@Claire – I never thought of it from that perspective.
@Niamh – She actually does turn twenty very soon – god help us. We should look at starting a support group no?