Misadventures in Life & Fashion
Posted in Blog by: LottieBody image is a funny old thing, isn’t it? All these skinny-mini celebs airbrushed to cadaverous wrecks, glaring down from the shelves telling us what a real woman looks like.
I, for one have always had a problem with how I look. I was a plump child, a chubby teen and now a flabby adult. I have tried every diet known to man. Cabbage soup. Check. South beach. Check. Atkins. Check. Bio-Trim. Check. Slim Fast. Check. Weight Watchers. Check. The water diet – oh yea that one was a blast. I have just never felt comfortable in my own skin.
I have had highs: When I lost a few stone on WW a few years ago. When I was a size 10 after a few months of dancing around to Grease Lightening. Falling in love and living on sex and air also does wonders for the hips.
And I’ve had many many lows. Finally throwing out those “one day” jeans. The bitchy glares from the bulimic shop assistants in Top Shop. And almost every woman will know that desperate gut wrenching feeling as you open your closet door before a night out and know that no matter how full it is, that you have absolutely nothing to wear.
But the common factor in both the my ups and downs is that I always thought I was fat. Recently I found myself looking back at photos of myself a few tears (oops, Freudian slip?)years ago and thinking , “my God wasn’t I thin” but at the time I felt anything but, I was miserably unhappy with how I looked. While I certainly couldn’t think of myself as thin now, I don’t want to let the misery manifest any further and sit here in five years time, a size 22, looking at photos of last weekend and thinking, “why wasn’t I just happy then?”.
Well I will be happy now or at least that’s what I have been trying to do this new year. I restocked my wardrobe with clothes that actually suit my body type and that fit properly. Of course I am shit broke as a consequence, but it was worth it. I may not have Elle’s legs, but I will wear a skirt if I want. I will also walk around naked if I like – no more turning off lights of shying away – I’m pretty sure my elderly neighbours won’t appreciate this but screw em – they’ll be dead soon. Mavis, Denis, live a little.
I can accept that I have curves. Loads of them, in all the right places and a few of the wrong ones -but there you have it.
I will never be a size 8. Even at my thinest I was a 10-12.
I am tired of the tussle with new fashions – Skinny jeans do not look good on thunder thighs. I will buy wide legs instead.
I am worn out by the misery of constantly thinking about what I can and can’t eat. I will learn moderation.
I am weary of buying clothes in the hope and maybe one days.
I am fed-up of feeling uncomfortable.
And I’m all out synonyms for fatigue.
I realise looking back on my failures that confidence may be the key. They say that the camera adds 10 pounds, well confidence sheds them. Now excuse me while I go shake my milkshake in the yard.
February 18th, 2009 at 6:15 am
Brilliant post Lottie, absolutely brilliant.
)
For the record you have always had a great figure – and THE most gorgeous hair out of any DCW girl past or present. (Bitch!
I am coming around to your way of thinking too. The paragraph beginning “But the common factor in both the my ups and downs is that I always thought I was fat” – I could have written that myself, word for word, thought for thought. I don’t know whether it’s a quarter life crisis or whether I’m just becoming more comfortable in my own identity, sense of self, but I have definitely started making a conscious effort to stop hating my reflection in the mirror and actually start giving myself a break. I wish I could go back to my 18 year old self and hug that girl.
x
February 18th, 2009 at 7:47 am
Great post indeed – wonderful sentiments and really quite inspiring!
February 18th, 2009 at 9:48 am
Brilliant post. It took me ages to realise that your clothes actually have to fit you in order to make you look good. Why or how the hell do we end up believing otherwise?!
February 18th, 2009 at 10:00 am
I could have written a lot of this, too Lottie. It happens to guys as well.
A barrel of a kid, a fat teenager and never less than an XL shirt size until very, very recently. Even now, after losing a little on what I call the “nervous breakdown” diet a while ago I’m still an “L” and I always will be.
My trick in coming to terms with it was pretty much the same as yours, to accept who I am, that I don’t have to be skinny for other people to find me attractive (I usually find those who wear coke-bottle glasses the most receptive to me) and to just dress in things I like that I’m told suit me.
We all fall into the trap that mass media sells us – that we have to be stick thin to be beautiful and gorgeous and attractive and wonderful.
Nonsense.
February 18th, 2009 at 11:00 am
Is it too late to nominate this post for best post? I’m bookmarking it for next year so. You are in my head missus.
I’ve never been happy with myself; even as a seven year old I thought I was too fat in my communion dress. And like yourself, looking back on photos I don’t know what on earth I was thinking! It was only when I went to college that I really did need to lose weight, and by that stage my body confidence was at an all time low. I’m still fecking struggling now.
You completely hit the nail on the head with so many points in that post and I think one of the most important was ‘I will learn moderation’. It’s something I’m trying to learn too.
And can I just say one more thing (this comment is far too long sorry!) – in all sincerity, you are absolutely gorgeous my dear. Seriously. I wouldn’t change a thing.
February 18th, 2009 at 11:00 am
Another fantastic post Lottie.
Its very interesting how people view themselves vs how other people view them. Most of the time there is a huge gap – Like most of the people above I could have written the same post – but from the other direction. I have always viewed myself as skinny. And hated myself for it for years. Thin, skinny and all those words were vulgar insults to me. So much to the point where I decided in my late teens to change this fundamentally. I went on a very differnet high protein and high carbs diet and worked out about 3-4 hours a day, every day. At the end of six months I was an extra 4 stone heavier – all muscle. I did this for a year – and only then realised how much I had sacrificed. I lost contact with friends, had no social life and you know what – i was embarressed as much about my new body as my last!
So long story kinda short – I had a moment of clarity – I wasnt so bad. It was a huge change in my life. Me. Not so bad.
And I have stuck to that since my ealry 20’s. Am I still self concious- sure but I deal with it and I am as happy with me the way I am now. I am normal for me which is as much as anyone can ask for.
But one of the biggest lessons I learned was in how I viewed other people. My worst nightmare would be to live in a world where everyone is the same. An attractive person, to me, is someone who is happy in themselves, no matter what way they are.
My two most favourite people whom I think are sexy beyond belief? My wife – a short and small woman and Dawn French – poles apart physically but still on a par in the sexy stakes!
February 18th, 2009 at 11:07 am
[...] Misadventures in Life and Fashion. [...]
February 18th, 2009 at 11:45 am
i hear every word of this post. at my skinniest i was 8.5 stns and i remember wanting to be 8 stn?? i’m a [ahem] a little bigger now and i have come to the same realisations as your self. i don’t think i will ever like my hips, but i try to work around them! and i work my waist to my advantage. love this post well done. it’s nice to know someone else feels like this.
oh yea when i fell in love i didn’t just survive on sex and air there were a lot of chinese take aways in there and a good few meals out in there also! they don’t call them love handles for nothing!!
February 18th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
@r – Im certain that that kind of attitude must have something to do with getting that bit older and more mature. We set such unrealistic goals for ourselves that all we can do is fail.
@Sinful – I wrote this from a very female perspective but I realise that men have body issues too – in many cases they can be worse than that of a woman because men don’t feel like they have an outlet to address their insecurities and worries.
@Annie – It means nothing to you for someone like me to say that you have a fab figure (and you do) because it’s entirely a self-image thing. I don’t think that anyone looks in the mirror to see what others see.
I hope you don’t mind me saying, but from reading your blog I can see that you are in that mental state that I was in a few years ago when I let food and exercise take over my life. It doesn’t work. you spend all day thinking about food and therefore wanting it more, indulging and then feeling more miserable. What ever bad pints you see, forget them and focus on your good ones. Those amazing eyes and porcelain skin of yours amongst many.
And thank you for the linkage!
@Peter – I did not know this at all. Again, it shows that men’s body woes are often dismissed. And yes Dawn French is hawt! Most funny people are.
@T-Cup – Being a broke student helped for me I guess!
February 18th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Got a bit away with myself on publishing that last comment –
@Conor- Thank you. Believe it or not It was your “Dandy” post that got me to write this down.
@SP – After all that I am eating my own words today becuase my skirt keeps riding up around my waist. every time I walk. Damn it. Need to skip out and get a slip.
February 18th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
I’d say aul Denis would be only too delighted to see a bit of milkshake!
February 18th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Fantastic post Lottie!
Of course you should have confidence in how you look, you’re stunning sure!
I just hope one day I’ll gain the same confidence and stop despising what I see looking back at me in the mirror (externally anyway, internally is gonna take many years to fix..lol)
February 18th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Here here. Me too.
Isn’t it a little bit funny how we all worry about how we look, when everyone else is thinking something similar…why worry? If we have our health then there’s no need to worry.
Best of luck on Saturday
Sorry I can’t be there to cheer you on!
February 18th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
I agree with SOP. It’s not just a female issue. I struggled with weight issues for so many years, particularly in school. Except, I was very underweight. Even now, at 12.5 stone, I know logically that I’m a healthy weight and look better than I did a few years ago at 10 stone.
It is about confidence. I feign confidence to get myself through it. I act cocky and pretend I’m God’s gift to women, but in truth I see every little bulge, I focus on the swelling under my chin, I wonder where my cheek bones are disappearing off to.
Logic is one thing, neurosis is another. Thoughts and mindsets are habitual in nature. From a very early age I focused on weight and saw fatness as a sign of weakness and thinness (is that a word?) as a sign of strength. Even now, I look in the mirror and only very rarely see someone I’m completely happy with.
I will continue to tell myself that I am confident and maybe one day I’ll believe it.
Lottie, this is a wonderful post. I know you and I want to tell you how very beautiful you are. Sexy, cute and extremely confident looking. I hope you believe this, because it is the truth.
February 18th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Body image is a strange thing.
I have always been on the thin side, all through my teens I was a size ten but I was only of those lucky bitches who never had to try.
The travels and mid-20’s have set in so I have moved up a dress size in the past year and half. It honestly does not bother me one bit. I’m happy with myself, my fella thinks I look better a bit more curvy and I enjoy my life and food.
In saying that, I would not like to gain much more weight, I think I probably optimium for my height and all that.
February 18th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Moderation rocks!
February 18th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
I lived with a girl in college who was happy at her weight and I have to say always looked fab. She lost any extra weight she was carrying but as a result there’s a pretty big change in her personality…She used to count up the calories and WW points in what I was eating when we went food shopping. It made me look at myself differently, and I started getting really down when I was getting ready to head out…Recently I’ve become happier with the way I look but I think it just takes time….Your right about the clothes too….they can change your perception of yourself completely
February 18th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
‘They say that the camera adds 10 pounds, well confidence sheds them.’
Fair play. My best friend in the world is recovering from anorexia at the minute. She was always beautiful and she always had curves in the rights places but for a long time she was the only person that didn’t see that.
We watched our amazing, bubbly and sexy friend lose her confidence, her dreams and her weight and we couldn’t do anything to stop it. She was punishing herself because she felt she wasn’t perfect and I wish she had read a post like this to realise that no one is, we just have to embrace what we have got.
I’ll be reading more
February 18th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
@NaRocRoc – I wouldn’t be so sure about that.
@Claire -I think your confidence has grown over the past year and a bit. Remember when you wouldn’t even pose for a photo? As I said to r maybe it is related to age and sure you’re only a tater-tot.
@MJ – Im a little surprised at the amount of comments there is about people being happy with themselves. It’s encouraging. Maybe all these difficult times that we’re going through with the big R and job losses etc is giving people some perspective.
@Anon – thank you for your lovely comment. Mysterious! Im intrigued now.
@Vodoolady – I think personally that a size 12 s the perfect size – and should be what we see on the cat walks. It’s good to see so many people being so positive.
@Vic – Hi! Welcome & thanks for dropping a comment.
@Red – It becomes an obsession if you are counting every bite. When I was on WW the weekly shopping used to take twice as long as I would have my calculator out checking every box. It’s pretty much another OCD.
@White Rabbit – I always thought that iI could never understand the mind of an anorexic that was until I acknowledged my own preoccupation with food and diets. It’s just the next step. Thanks for the comment.
February 18th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
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February 18th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
Best thing my home ec teacher ever said to me?
‘Girls, it’s all well and good to be a skinny minnie, but men like something they can cuddle into and an arse they can park a bike in’.
Confidence is everything. Bisous. x
February 18th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
this is absolutely brilliant (and it’s posts like this that show the world why you deserve to be shortlisted for the award)
i am 31 (!!!) and i still struggle every single day with my curves. and i’m a bellydancer for gosh’s sake! i ought to have curves. right?
at the xmas sales i bought a skirt for when i’m skinny…
one day i’ll learn, one day
i admire you for posting this, i really do!
February 18th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Skinny women are not at all sexy. You need an ass that can take a good old slap when things get really out of hand (in a good way).
February 18th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
Ditto all the above, blog post of the month in my book. I was a chubby child too and my weight has fluctuated from 7stone to 10stone and everything in between in the last 10 years. I’m at the thinnest Ive been for years at the moment (still miles off that 7stone though – oh to be 17 again!!) but I’ll always have curves (and wonky legs) but you know I’ve come to terms with that stuff now. And I’ve finally given up buying the “one day” clothes and there is nothing in my wardrobe that I don’t like on me at the moment. And I’m going to repeat to myself “I love my curves” as a mantra as I tuck into the cupcakes and brownies at the Ladies tea Party on Saturday. Hope to see you there
February 19th, 2009 at 1:01 am
You know, I’ve noticed the new clothes Lottie, and gosh yes, yes they suit you. Very much so.
Fatigue ftw!
February 19th, 2009 at 9:28 am
Wow, Maz, I’m so envious…”there is nothing in my wardrobe that I don’t like on me at the moment” I wish I could say that! Too obsessed with wobble. Must take my own advice… PS I love what Holemaster said
February 19th, 2009 at 9:46 am
I always come to everything late…
I’d like to impart a little known yet important secret of men. The only guys worth having are those that love women with beautiful curves, boobs, hips, bums and all. Women who look like women. We find them INCREDIBLY sexy.
The sort of men who prefer women who constantly diet and are obsessed with their weight are, I’m sure, very lovely people, but I don’t know any of them and more often than not the guys I have come across who proclaim a fetish for size 8s are… How do I put this gently… Ah, yes.
Arseholes.
This may sound like a sweeping generalisation but it comes from years of observation.
Not that I’m suggesting what men think is important, far from it. Merely that “hot” is a state of attitude and, in fact, much easier to pull off when you have the proper ammunition
February 19th, 2009 at 10:10 am
@Rick: Got to fundamentally disagree with that. I just feel what you are saying there is still just part of the same problem. Yes it is cool to say real men like curves but I dont think its true.
What I think is that a real man will like you the way you are! And come-on not everyone likes the same build. Yes some men like curves, but some men dont. They are attracted to smaller built women.
Agree with you though that ‘hot’ is a state of attitude. The most attractive thing about a person (man or woman) is someone who is confident and happy with themselves.
Its funny but I was thinking about this last night – how depending on the time and place how the image of what the general populace finds attractive/desirable in a woman.
Historically it was larger built women who were found more attractive – as in general this showed that the woman could afford to eat more and better and would be considered something of a catch. When food and resources are low then people who go against the trend and are bigger seemed to be more desirable.
Of course in these days of excess – when we literaly have close to unlimited food, when the average size of people has increased as a society it is the smaller people who are shown to be more attractive. Again it goes against the trend.
Sorry for the 2nd long post!
But I think of these wise, wise words I once heard – It takes all-sorts to make a bertie basset
February 19th, 2009 at 10:28 am
Peter, maybe I should clarify then. You are, of course, right and it does take all sorts, my issue was with the sort of guys we all know who are fixated on their girlfriends being thin and thin only come hell or high water…
February 19th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Agreed – the problem there is with the guys, not the girls
February 19th, 2009 at 10:59 am
Thank you. Thank you for saying out loud what I have been feeling for years
February 19th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
One thing that I didn’t say before…..I am all about being happy with yourself and accepting your body, however, I am generally not fond of nor do I have any respect for overweight people who are clearly overweight for a reason.
For example, I would not find a man attractive if he was overweight, did not exercise and ate unhealthily. I do not agree with very large people who take the ‘this is who I am’ approach and use that as a way of excusing an unhealthy lifestyle. I know that’s not the issue here really but it’s a pet peeve.
February 19th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
@Ailbhe – Ah teachers. Influencing the minds of young women, letting them know what’s really important. :I
@Tatty – You’re sweet to say that. Thank you. I know that you are very conscious of your figure and it’s only reasonable considering what you do. Go on. Return the skirt. Get something you can appreciate now.
@Holemaster – …
@Mj – He can be really poignant.
@Rick – You’re right. Men who obsess about that perfect figured woman will never be satisfied or find the right person.
@Peter – Now boys – don’t fight.
@Magatha-May – Thank you. Just found your blog through this. Thanks. New fodder for my obsession.
February 19th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
@Darragh – oops how could I have missed you in there. Thank you. I have many more. you can borrow them any time.
February 19th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
@Lottie – cant you tell – I’m a lover not a fighter
February 19th, 2009 at 3:08 pm
[...] this post is partially inspired by this post on The National Lottie (which is excellent, by the way, and totally deserves a [...]
February 19th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
This is an amazing post and everyone (male & female) can relate to it. I think even the skinniest of girls still aren’t happy with themselves either, no matter what size you are you think your fat. Like you, looking back I was 8 and a half stone and wasn’t happy then thinkin I was fat encouraged by my lovely ex boyfriend informing me that I was a whale,, but now Im a size 14 and am probably happier with myself now then I was then although I’m back in WW but need to loose a few lbs for hols. But I look healthier and fit in clothes better uhh and my boobs got bigger as a result of putting on weight.
YOU GO GIRL!!!!!
February 19th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Skinny jeans don’t even look good on the skinny.
February 19th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
@Anon – Yes, that’s one of the positive effects of putting on a little weight. My mum used tease my “two eggs in a handkerchief” when I as younger while she was blessed with ample bosom. I always wondered why I got the family hips and arse but not the boobs. Well who’s laughing now?!
Mwha!
February 19th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
@Profoundly Superficial – They don’t look good on 80% of skinny people but some girls ca wear them really well. Again it’s all down to knowing what suits you.
February 19th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
Here here. Round of applause please. I am the ‘fat one’ in the family and always on the receiving end of snide little remarks at family functions. It fucking anoys me becuase i am happy with how I look.
I dont need to hear the ugly aunt comment on how i have gained a few since Christmas.
C
February 19th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
Great post.
And just for some context – you mention size 22. Well I’m delighted to NOW be a size 22! Well, not even always a 22 – sometimes a 24. And this is progress! I too have always felt fat (currently true, and has been for s number of years). Like you – I look back at photos & wish that I was still that “small”, and at the time I felt anything but small. And now, here I am a size 22/24, and feeling better than I have in years. So, even though I’m not the size I want to be, I am working towards, the fact that I feel better about myself is the thing that makes the difference. Confidence – attractive in everyone!
February 20th, 2009 at 8:56 am
@Ciara – Families. Can’t live with them, can’t slip a vile of rat poison into the drink when they are not looking.
@Car – I imagine that having this type of attitude can only help you getting to your goal. Indulging in self pity only leads to the fridge freezer and the tub of Ben & Jerrys. I am delighted that you feel this way and hope that you reach your target in a happy healthy state of mind.
The reason I chose a size 22 is that my lowest point, many many years ago happened after I had buried my head in the sand for too long and I had to buy a pair of size 18 trousers in Evans’. For me this felt very big and I was so physically uncomfortable. I sat in the dressing room and cried for over 20 minutes. I joined WW that day and then began another spiral of self pity. A positive outlook is the only way.
February 20th, 2009 at 11:07 am
Ive always believed that the most beautiful sexy people are those that can embrace their natural self. I don’t like women who wear too much make-up or are dressed head to toe in designer wear. It just feels like they have something to hide.
February 20th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Yay Lottie! Nice one. So empathise with all of this. It’s the moderation that hard for me – I’m too extreme about everything!
I remember at WW them advising me to exercise my will power, but I don’t have any. Oh well, Next Year.
Congrats on the Shortlist btw!
February 20th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
@Rick, I love your definition of “proper ammunition” – love it.
February 23rd, 2009 at 5:10 pm
I know I’m late to this post and comments – but after meeting you again at the bloggies this weekend I just HAD to comment that you looked stunning, with the most beautiful face and hair (and did I mention taste in handbags?!) Anyway, loved this post. It is totally a state of mind and nothing anyone else says can change the way you see yourself.
There will always be people who are fatter or thinner than yourself. Comparing yourself to others is a ludicrous waste of time and good clothes (that fit!) and accessories are the way to go. Walk tall and you will always turn heads! Failing that, you can just prance around in a wedding dress – works for me!!
February 24th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
@Stew – Nice to hear.
@Sarah – Thank you. Yip – I have to learn to stop eating when I am full rather then when the press is empty.
@Ciara – So lovely to meet you at the weekend – fair play to you and the dress. Also heard you on the radio this morning. You saw Ray D’Arcy naked? JEALOUS!!!
February 24th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
Great post. Has sparked a lot of thinking in my own head. Thanks for your admirable honesty.
February 25th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
Late to the party but… I’m with Rick – some fella stopped me when I was out one night and said ‘you know you women think we like you really skinny, but we love real curves’. At the time I thought it was a bit insulting,but the more you think about it, he’s right – who bothers about our curves? Us, not them!
March 6th, 2009 at 11:58 am
Woo Hoo! Congrats on Blog Post of the Month.
March 7th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
I second that, well done you
March 9th, 2009 at 11:12 pm
i know how you feel.
totally. 100%.
i was a fat kid ( the ice-cream man got to me big time )
i was a chubby teen
and now as i approach the otherside of adolescence, i still don’t feel right around others..
i have never been “skinny”. probably never will.
fuck it. why do we care what everyone else thinks?
odds are we will never see that stranger on o connoll street ever again so why are we fussing?
your post has made me realise this.
the world of bloggery has made me second think everything
thanks lottie
June 17th, 2009 at 1:02 am
Great post. one of those where you feel like you can take over the world. I hope you never lose that feeling and congratulations on the award.
June 23rd, 2009 at 11:32 am
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them its a wonderful quote
January 1st, 2010 at 10:47 pm
Can’t believe that a post containing such ageist comments can win an award for best post … unbelieveable
February 20th, 2010 at 12:22 pm
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